Happy Birthday Dracula or How I learned to love Vlads Tepes and Hate the Bomb

I AM IN FITS OF LAUGHTER!!!!!

AND IT IS GREAT BECAUSE IT HAS BEEN A LONG LONG TIME.

 MY NAME IS A LITTLE DIFFERENT THAN MOST PEOPLE’S NAMES, NOT THAT THERE ARE NOT A LOT OF DRUSCILLAS OUT THERE…CALIGULA’S DAUGHTER, CINDERELLA’S EVIL STEP SISTER, AND SUPPOSEDLY SOME AWFUL PERSON IN THE BIBLE…also a vampire on “Buffy”  

IT IS JUST THAT YOU DON’T ENCOUNTER THE NAME EVERY DAY AND NOT OFTEN WITH THE SPELLING THAT INCLUDES;  THE S & C.

 ANYWAY WHEN I WAS IN ABOUT 6^TH GRADE, MY MOTHER WAS GETTING A CAKE FOR MY BIRTHDAY AND SHE WANTED  IT INSCRIBED…HAPPY BIRTHDAY DRUSCILLA.  THE PERSON AT THE BAKERY WROTE THE INSCRIPTION ON WAX PAPER……..THIS WAS A LONG LONG TIME AGO……AND THE ICING ARTIST  JUST COULDN’T BELIEVE IT AND CALLED MY MOTHER TO VERIFY THAT SHE WANTED THE CAKE INSCRIBED…

”HAPPY BIRTHDAY DRACULA”

 MY MOTHER FIXED THE ERROR BUT TOLD ME ABOUT IT AND I GOT HYSTERCAL (WITH LAUGHTER NOT TEARS) AND DEVELOPED AN EVEN GREATER AFFECTION FOR THAT BAT.; ONE THAT STILL FOLLOWS ME TO THIS DAY.

 I HAVE HAD OVER MY ADULT LIFE TIME A SERIES OF FRIENDS (MOSTLY WOMEN) THAT GET TOGETHER FOR BIRTHDAY BRUNCHS.  FOR A FEW YEARS THE 8 OR MORE OF US WOULD MEET FOR MY BIRTHDAY AND IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN MONTHS SINCE ALL OF US HAD SPOKEN (this was way before eMails and FaceBook) AND WE COULD SPEND OVER 3 HOURS TELLING OUR STORIES WITH OMELETS, ENCHELLADAS, CORN MUSH, FLAN, AND CHAMPAIGNE. 

 BECAUSE OF MY AFORE MENTIONED STORY WE’D CALL THESE MEET AND EATS

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY DRACULA”

 AT ONE TIME I ACTUALLY CONSIDERED TRYING TO WRITE A PLAY ENTITLED THAT, INCORPORATING VARIOUS OF THE AKWARDLY, RABIDLY, AWFULLY, OR JUST PLAIN HYSTERICAL STORIES OF ALL THE OTHERS, INTO LITTLE  VIGNETTES WHICH WOULD COMPRISE THE WHOLE PLAY BUT OF COURSE I NEVER DID AND OF COURSE THIS RITUAL HAS GONE THE WAY OF MOST ARCHAIC RITUALS ……bye bye.

        However my birthday is fast approaching, as well as the end of my life, and I just got a call from a creditor where the “OUTSOURCED” collector asked for…NO WAIT EVEN THOUGH YOU KNOW.

 “MAY I SPEAK TO DRACULA PLEASE”

 Hee hee hee!!!

 

ps there is no reason i hate the bomb in the article but of course i do; i just thought it was a funny title.  Be careful with your bodily fluids!

Song for Schuster

   Schuster was, according to my vet, the classic bugar nose cat…didn’t even know they’d made that in the “classic” list!

 He came to me through my sister, by way of my niece and although I didn’t want him, I’m so glad he found me.

 He was liberated from the shelter where he had been born  by my niece who carried him around for weeks on her neck.  He was sickly with a respiratory ailment that he’d acquired in the shelter at a very early age…like when he was born.  He was on antibiotics most of the first year of his life.   So even though he was fixed there and got his “perpetual cold” there he LOVED humans but probably thought we were catz.

 The story goes that my niece, upon graduation, moved in with others who would not accept him for various reasons…most unspecified…so he ended up at my sister’s place.

 He was unhappy there because she had to keep him in the laundry room as both her sons are VERY allergic to cats….to this day even though they have curtailed their symptoms most of the time, I can’t give either a GREAT BIG HUG cuz I’m ALWAYS covered in cat hair. 

 Anyway he was very unhappy as he only had the rabbit (or was it a hamster or the rat at that time?) for company and not any humans or catz as he liked to think of us, not knowing any better, and he CRIED ALL THE TIME!

 One afternoon my sister came to my house for a supposedly different reason…yah right…and casually mentioned that she was going to let him out to take his chances in the yard; of course unless anyone had a better idea. 

(I said yah right)

 So even though I’d just acquired Poppy Louise and still had Jennings and Fromme and lived in a historic rental building, I did have a better idea.  So I acquired Schuster and was glad I did.  He is one of the few catz I’ve “owned” (I ask you who owns who?)  that didn’t think of all humans, excluding me most of the time, as

 “RUN THE CAT KILLERS ARE HERE”

 

SO HERE ARE HIS SONGS:

 *****************************************************************************************************************

Schuster, Schuster, Orange and White…likes to lick and likes to bite.  He’s bright as a penny and sharp as a tack but he’s not very skinny and he looks like a bat.

**************************************************************

I washed your blood from off the street, my tears running in the road.

I’d like to run that woman down and squish her like a toad!     

the end

POPPY LOUISE

 I ONCE HAD A CAT I CALLED POPPY LOUISE.  I’M NOT REALLY SURE IF THAT WAS HER NAME BUT THAT IS WHAT I CALLED HER AND SHE WOULD ANSWER TO THAT…WELL AS MUCH AS A CAT WILL DO.

SHE CAME TO ME BY WAY OF MY MOTHER FROM MY SISTER-IN-LAW; WHO HAD FOUND HER VERY YOUNG AND ALONE IN A VACANT LOT AND TRIED TO GIVE HER TO ME BUT I WOULDN’T TAKE HER AT FIRST, SO I HAD TO ACQUIRE HER IN THIS ROUND ABOUT MANNER.

SHE WAS A PIGMY CAT…A SHORT HAIRED TOURTISE CALICO AND PROBABLY NOT MORE THAN 4-5 WEEKS OLD WHEN SHE WAS FOUND.  SHE WASN’T MORE THAN FIVE INCHES LONG THEN AND NEVER GREW TO BE MORE THAN THREE POUNDS…if that…WHICH IN MY HOUSEHOLD IS

a very small cat.

 BECAUSE I WOULDN’T TAKE HER…I WAS HOLDING MY BENSON TO DEATH WHILE HE DIED OF KITTY AIDS AT THE TIME AND DIDN’T FEEL THE NEED TO HELP ANYONE ELSE…MY MOTHER DID.

A LOT OF THE TIME MY MOTHER WAS: a fun a funny human but OFTEN SHE WASN’T A VERY GOOD HUMAN MOM…AND FOR CATZ, SHE WAS THE PITZ!

THE VERY NEXT DAY AFTER SHE DUMPED THIS LITTLE BABY INTO HER HOME WITH HER, RATHER “QUEENLY” LUCY CAT, SHE WENT OFF TO THE RACES FOR A LONG WEEKEND.  SHE DID CALL ME AND ASK ME TO CHECK ON BOTH OF THEM OVER THE WEEKEND WHICH IS HOW I FINALLY ENDED UP WITH POPPY.

WHEN I CHECKED POPPY LOUISE (although she didn’t have that  name at that time, I think she was called Hey You) WAS THERE BUT LUCY HAD ALMOST SCRATCHED HER EYE OUT!!!!  IT WAS HANGING BY A THREAD…WHO KNOWS OF WHAT…MAYBE A LIGAMENT AND IT WAS OBVIOUS THIS WAS REALLY AN EMERGENCY.  IN LUCY’S BEHALF I MUST SAY THAT LUCY WAS AN OLD MAJESTIC LADY AND POPPY L. WAS A YOUNG EXHUBERANT THING…go figure! Can’t we all just get along?  NO WAY!

After a long trip to the weekend emergency vet hospital, paid for by a sister dear…thank gawd I have two so they can switch off taking care of me; Poppy Louise emerged with both eyes intact but one pupil enlarged with scar tissue, so that she could not constrict it and always looked to me anyway like a pirate.

SHE AND I SPENT THE NEXT FEW DAYS IN BED; SHE WITH HER “DISH” COLLAR ON AND ME READING THE LORD OF THE RINGS.  (THAT’LL TAKE SOME TIME WHEN YOU NEED TO USE IT UP)

 SHE STAID WITH ME FOR OVER 12 YEARS, THROUGH 3 MOVES…NOT COUNTING THE BEING FOUND AND THE 2 DAYS AT MY MOMS AND IS NOW HUNTING WITH THE KITTY ANGELS….yah right!  EVEN WITH HER BOO BOO EYE SHE WAS A GREAT HUNTRESS.

 WE HAD FUN, SHE AND I, PROBABLY MORE THAN I DESERVED SO HERE ARE HER SONGS.

 What is the matter with Poppy Louise?  I beg and I plead and I always say please but she still runs and jumps…throws herself at the wall…she’d be a real danger if she wasn’t so small!

 Poppy Louise come over here please!!!

If you eat that thing you’ll get a DIEASE!

  THE END…sigh

*Dru’s Summer Slaw* “Summer is Over the Old Cow Said”

Just because no one asked (all five of you) I’ve decided to post my recipe for Summer Slaw

(for some reason I don’t recommend for any other season)

This recipe is again not particularly good for you and certainly not homemade but if you had served it with barbequed hot dogs this last summer it is relatively better than the “main” course and in my opinion yummy.

 Take a head of cauliflower and cut it into floweret’s the size you would like to chew. 

My rule of thumb is about the size of the ball of my thumb.  Use as much of the cauliflower to fill the bowl you want to serve this in.  However do NOT use the bowl you want to serve it in for this part.

 

 The mass of this will be reduced so cut up MUCH more than you think you need and then you will be transferring this to another bowl as the first bowl will get messy.  USE A BIGGER BOWL than you want the finished “dish” to be.  Trust me a much bigger.  I like my stainless steel bowl that could almost front as a Jacuzzi for a small person, got it cheap at a restaurant supply house’s “Going Out of Business” sale and LOVE it BUT that store is still in business…four years later and I think I was “took”. 

 HOWEVER HERE IS THE NEXT STEP:

Take a bunch of celery and slice it into pieces that are about the same size as you decided the cauliflower to be.  Make the amount of celery almost a match to the amount of cauliflower.

 Add some course ground salt (not much!) and mix it up! 

 (in my opinion this brings out the flavor of the veggies but it just might be that I’m addicted to salt, so use your own judgment on this step)

 Add prepared Ranch dressing if you are me….or if you’re a good or even adequate cook, use your own recipe for Ranch.  Don’t add too much cuz you can always add more but it is hard to add less.

 MIX IT UP OR I GUESS THE PROPER PHRASE WOULD BE TOSS IT!

 NOW for the End:

 This is a very “white” dish and doesn’t “kick” on the plate so be sure you’re using colorful plates. 

 I absolutely think this should be finished with chopped cilantro and course ground black pepper but again if your tastes are different you can just let it be as is…OR…..

 Add some julienned raw carrot, add some green onions…tops only…add some mayo to the dressing to give it more “kick”…add some (only a small amount) hot sauce (Louisiana style) another “kick” but only a little mind…OR add other things you can think of BUT…

 Don’t add nuts, seeds, beans…well maybe beans haven’t tried that yet and probably won’t…sprouts, or cheese.  Most of this I’ve tried and trust me again, it doesn’t make this better; too many conflicting tastes and textures, as the Emporer said to Mozart;

“Too many Notes”.

 Transfer to the bowl you want to serve this in and chill for a while as much as 3-4 hours; it may actually hold for a day or more but don’t make a lot more than you really want the first time around cuz it gets mushy.  

Been There Done That.     dru

 

“tis the Season”

GRANDMA’S VEGGIE MEATBALLS WITH BBQ SAUCE by way of MY SISTER DEAREST

 

I SPRAINED MY ANKLE VERY BADLY LAST WEEK WHICH MADE ME START THINKING OF MY GRANDMOTHER.  I KNOW, I KNOW A NON SEQUITUR, IF EVER BUT THERE IS A SORT OF LOGIC HERE BECAUSE MY FOOT HURTS!!!! AND MY GRANDMOTHER HAD VERY BAD KNEES.

 ANYWAY MY GRANDMOTHER WAS A VEGETARIAN BUT NOT A VEGAN, A DIETICIAN, A CATERER AND OF COURSE A GREAT COOK AND BAKER; ALL ATTRIBUTES THAT SHE SEEMED TO HAVE PASSED DOWN IN HER LIFETIME TO ALL THE FEMALE (AND SOME MALE) PROGENY EXCEPT FOR MYSELF.  sigh

 SO WHILE I SAT HERE OVER THE LAST FEW DAYS, WITH MY FOOT UP AND ICE ON THAT RATHER FOOTBALL LOOKING EXTREMITY, I THOUGHT ABOUT MY GRANDMOTHER’S FOOD AND DECIDED TO PASS ON A RECIPE THAT I GOT FROM MY SISTER WHICH SHE GOT FROM MY GRANDMOTHER; WHO GOT IT FROM I DON’T KNOW WHERE. 

 I’M NOT CLAIMING MY GRANDMOTHER INVENTED THIS RECIPE, ALTHOUGH SHE MAY HAVE  OR AT LEAST TWEAKED IT SOME BUT SHE MADE IT OFTEN AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE IT ORIGINATED, JUST THAT IT IS GOOD.

VEGETARIAN MEAT BALLS IN BARBECUE SAUCE

WHAT YOU NEED:

 

4 T oil

2 medium chopped onions

4 eggs

1 cup vege-burger

¼ t garlic powder

1 T liquid smoke

Dash celery salt

1 t Soy Sauce

2 cups chopped pecan nuts

½ cup grated mozzarella cheese

1 ½ cups crushed saltine crackers

 HOW YOU MKE IT:

Sauté onion in oil

Mix eggs, vege-burger and seasonings.

Add nuts, cheese and crackers.  Mix all ingredients well together.

Form into 1 ¼ to 1 ½ inch balls and place in backing dish.  (Meatballs hold together better if chilled for frozen before baking).  Spoon sauce over meatballs and bake at 350° for 30 minutes.

BARBECUE SAUCE

½ cup butter or margarine

1 medium onion chopped

1 cup ketchup

½ cup brown sugar

½ t chili powder

½ t salt

1 t liquid smoke

Sauté chopped onions and butter.  Add remaining ingredients and cook over low heat until thick.

THESE BALLS ARE GREAT COUPLED  WITH MY OWN INVENTION, DRU’S SUMMER SLAW, WHICH CAN BE MADE WITH ABOUT 1/4 THE EFFORT IT TAKES TO MAKE THIS RECIPE BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW HOW TO COOK JUST OPEN CANS ETC BUT EVEN IF I’M NOT A GREAT COOK, IN THE WORDS OF THE IMMORTAL CAB CALLAWAY;  “EVERYBODY EATS WHEN THEY COME TO MY HOUSE.”  SO IF ANYONE WANTS MY RECIPE FOR CAULIFLOWER & CELERY SLAW, JUST ASK.

BE ADVISED, THESE ARE MAGIC MEATBALLS AND WILL DISAPPEAR FROM RIGHT UNDER YOUR NOSE!

Musings on Being a Professional Gambler

 

According to “Wikipedia” there were 32,000 hands in the first Window’s version of FreeCell and I played about 14,000 of them, consecutively.

I found FreeCell in the late 1990s and it WAS and IS my redemption.  It is my Friend, my Solace, and my Escape.  When I am bored-I play it, when I am tired-I play it, when I am waiting-I play it, and when I really feel I can’t go on I will play it for hours; for while I am playing it and playing it FAST, I do not think of my miseries as much. 

I can say without hesitation or shame that I am addicted to this game.

When I first starting playing, I decided to see if I could solve every hand, so I started with one and proceeded up.  Evidently Microsoft used a computer program to randomly number each of the 32,000 games and I would jot down the number and line through it when I solved.  I’d play the same game over and over and over trying to win and if I finally got fed up, I’d move on to the next game and just circle the number of the game I hadn’t solved.  At times, I’d go back and retry an unsolved hand and often I would master it.  Mind, I might never be able to do it again because I never made any notes as to exactly how I solved it and I never see more than…maybe…three moves ahead, so I’m not sure how I ever solve any hand. 

A lot of them just seem to play them self. 

However in the several years I played this way…the time period where I played about 14,000 games, my percentage of unsolved hands was very low.  Just below 5 percent if I remember correctly. 

At this same time an engineer that I worked for was doing the same thing too BUT HE would sit in front of the game for as much as an hour, plotting out his moves in his head and then play.  His goal was not only to solve every hand but to do it in as few attempts as possible and with only the minimum number of moves needed to solve.  He played about one hand a night.

TOO MUCH FOR ME!

 Finally I became disenchanted with my  goal but not the game and changed my “game” plan.  I stopped playing the Microsoft version of the game, the one where I could call up the number of the hand, and started playing on-line at a game site. This site randomly assigns the game you will play, you have no control over which game you play or how often you play the same hand randomly, the only control you have is whether you play the same hand over & over until you win it or give up.  I believe this is the same game that Microsoft provides except that it inserts four additional “scratch” cards in the deck.  I don’t know if this makes it easier to solve but supposedly what these cards are actually for is additional points so basically it seems the same game.

 Now I’ve been playing this game on-line for over eight years and my stats as of today are:

Games played: 83,814 / Winning Games: 48,874 / Winning Percentage: 58%

 These stats are interesting to me because I never replay the same hand; my 58% winning rate is on hands I have only played once.  Of course I’m probably replaying many hands-multiple times because the computer randomly assigns the hands and I’m not sure how many games this site offers, the original 32k or one million, as I believe there are now in the Windows XP version.  But with this 58 percentage winning rate if this game was randomly offered on a machine in a casino, with the minimum bet being $1 and the maximum bet being $500;

I’d probably be able to make the mortgage by just playing this game.

 My plan is to only bet $1 for the first game and if I win, I’d only bet $1 again, taking home the dough would be a slow process.  If I lose however, I’d triple my bet and each time I lost I’d triple again.  I would have 5 times to triple before I couldn’t win overall and I kept track for a couple of months and usually I would play for several “days” or even weeks before I’d lose more than 5 times in a row.  After 5 times the plan was to walk away $363 in the hole and start again another day. 

I assumed I had $1k to lose in the beginning.

 So mostly my theory worked and I “proved” to myself that every month I could probably  “make” the mortgage and that I would be able to “make up” my occasional losing days before the month was out. 

In general I could be a

“Professional Gambler”

 But I discovered what people in Las Vegas have supposedly known for years.  The game ceases to be fun and starts to feel like work.  Therefore I had to acknowledge to myself that while theoretically I might be able to make the mortgage, I might as well just keep working and so I stopped “betting” with myself and just went back to playing.

 Another

“Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time”

 

An interesting fact about this game according to Wikipedia again:

 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/FreeCell

 Of the 32,000 original games offered by Microsoft only one game has so far proven to be unsolvable; game # 11982 and only eight of the now one million games offered have so far been unsolvable.